If you think you're alone, then your eyes must be closed.

Sometimes things happen when you least expect them.

Shortly after our trip to Vegas in the weeks that followed our new year, Bryson and I went grocery shopping. Feeling more like a mother than ever I snaked my baby, bundled from head to toe, out of his seat and propped him onto my hip. With my free arm I slung my big daddy Coach onto my shoulder and scooped up the cart cover. With baby, bag and bind we headed toward the door.

Inside we found comfort in the warmth of the Family Fare. The bitter wind was trapped behind the automatic doors and Bryson watched it as he peaked over my shoulder. I reached the cart corale and began slinging the cover over the seat. My 28 pound baby slowly slid through the harness that my elbow and forearm created until he was up to his armpits in mommy... My free arm, juggling an oversized bag, continued to struggle with the cart and the cover. I was arm wrestling a weak opponent that was retreating forcing me to back it into a corner.

From the noise behind us appeared a friendly voice. A sweet women approached me insisting to help. As her husband stood solid waiting patiently for his wife to contribute to the greater good, she offered a kind smile and I stood surprised and speechless. I didn't know people like this existed outside of my small hometown of Montague. I thought to myself, "you are helping a stranger..." She straightened the barrier that protects my son from the germs living and breeding on the cart and she guided his legs into the holes as it swallowed him up. I looked her in the eye and said "Thank you!" Her husband smiled, assuring me this wasn't the first time she had halted their mission to help another. And they disappeared into the aisles of produce, products and people.

That moment stayed with me for days and weeks. I still carry it with me now, hoping that I can somehow pay it forward. It seems so simple, help a stranger, but I was disappointed that I couldn't remember the last time I had offered my support or assistance.

If we don't help each other... who will?

All in a Days Work

Is it possible for someone to change throughout the day, has my sweet little boy been growing right before my eyes? Sometimes I will gather Bryson up from his bed and after a long nap wonder if he has grown in the last hour. I will look at him standing in front of me, his hands bursting with curiousity, his mind absorbing every inch of his world and I think, "I am sure you were not this way this morning."

It is inconceivable how much he has learned in the past month. In the short time it has taken winter to creep up on fall, a little boy now lives in the room where there was once a baby. Now, when I ask, "Are you hungry?" he responds excitedly, "ungy!" and rushes to his chair. We will be mid-activity and the urge to snack will strike him, looking to me he begs, "ish?" and I know the only thing that will solve the crisis are some goldfish. More important then Bryson's ability to communicate, is his new capacity to convey emotion. While it is accompanied with tantrums, frustrations and even anger, there is nothing that can replace the feeling of tiny arms unexpectedly wrapping around you. In a moment of sitting on the floor tying my shoes, little fingers will sneak up on me, stretching as far as they can, they pull at me and then the warmth of a snuggling face is lieing on my back. "I love you too Bryson," and off he runs. Amongst his busy day of learning and changing, at least he has a moment to remind me...

When did Bryson become thoughtful? Who taught him how to share? These are things I contemplate every day. There have been times that I look at the little human before me and think, "Who are you?" He is a perfectionist, he is sweet and caring, stubborn, vocal and not afraid to tell you how he feels and what he thinks. He would give you his blanket, his drink and even the food off of his plate, but he will not accept your help, he would rather do it on his own. I am grateful to have the ability to influence who you are, but in the past year I have learned that who you will be has already been determined.

Our Life Began With Y-O-U

I am not very good at documenting Bryson's milestones. I have a 'fill in the blank' book that does most of the work for me and I did not get very far. Because I don't want to lose Bryson's childhood, I started a journal for him. A book written to him, a keepsake with his mommy as the author. It gives me the opportunity to not only record important events, but tell him all my thoughts and feelings about it. This is the most recent entry:

Sunday, July 3 2011
Bryson Goes to the E.R.

It all started on Tuesday. You woke up at around 10:45pm crying. I went in to give you a pacifier but you did not want me to leave. You reached your arms up grabbing for my elbows, shirt and arms, anything your little hands could grasp, all the while crying harder and harder. I picked you up and held you for a few minutes. You slowly began to calm down and eventually fell back asleep. I have no idea whas was bothering you. I always assume that you must be teething, but since you have yet to pop a little tooth, I didn't let myself blame the old standby.

This continued, Wednesday you woke up several times, each time crying hysterically and needing me to snuggle you back to sleep. On Thursday night I decided I wasn't going to give in to your crying so easily. When I went in your room is when you would really start to lose it. So at 10:30pm when you woke up, I stayed in bed and resisted the urge to rescue my baby. It only took about 7 minutes and you gave up and went back to sleep. I thought, "that little con was just wanting some attention the entire time!" You didn't wake up again and slept through the night.

I was prepared for the same strategy on Friday night. Your dad had the day off so I warned him about your wake up routine. 9:45pm rolled around and you woke yourself with a little cough and began to cry. I watched you on the video monitor as you pulled yourself to your feet, hanging onto the edge of the crib. And then you began to heave. You would let out a cry and seemingly struggle to breathe back in. Your father and I were both immediately concerned. As you continued to cry the breath continued to escape you. You struggled to find it and that only made you cry more.

So like the night of your delivery, we climbed into the Focus, this time with a baby boy strapped into his carseat, and we rushed to downtown Grand Rapids. As we pulled into the Emergency driveway of the Helen DeVos Children's Hospital I though of how beautiful and great the brand new facility was, but how I never wanted to be utilizing it's resources. We walked in together, alone, us two, as your dad parked the car. We were greeted by a nice young man who suggested that you might be having an allergic reaction. I assured him you were not, because I had made that mistake before after an intense B-Man crying session. He didn't stay with us long, he whisked away with a tiny baby and her mother. They suspected the little princess had chicken pox. The triage nurse asked us several questions and before you even coughed she thought you might have croup/whooping cough. That made me nervous but she assured me that croup was easy to treat.

Your father joined us and together we waited in the E.R. of the Children's Hospital. We waited as a teenage boy with a clearly broken wrist was called back behind the double doors. Another young family came in with a sweet little girl that could not have been older than 4 months. A couple rushed in, the women in tears, asking to see someone. My heart broke for them.

Finally, they called for a Bryson. At this point you had stopped crying and were relatively calm. You became the adorable boy we know when the nurse came in. I was impressed by how she addressed you. Happy, excited, upbeat, as if you were the first cute little boy she had seen all night. She checked your vitals, everything looked good and we moved on to more waiting. When they had a room for you we were shuffled out of triage and into the hospital. We got to put you in a little hospital gown that said, "tired little tiger," all over it. It had cute cartoon orange tigers scattered across it. You were not our tired little tiger. After they verified your name birthdate and our insurance
Antecdote: My insurance at work had just changed to Blue Cross Blue Shield. It became effective July 1st. The day it became effective we got to test it out by going to the E.R.
they brought you a blue slushy in a sippy cup. They asked if we thought you would drink it and explained that it would help soothe your throat. You sucked that thing down so fast! They could'nt believe you drank the whole thing.

You then became a wild little B-Man. You were literally bouncing off the walls, having the time of your life. Every nurse that came in you flirted with. You were laughing, playing and climbing all over your father and I. The resident came in (he was fabulous) and confirmed what the triage nurse had told us an hour before. It was croup. The good news was you were breathing fine, there was plenty of oxygen going through your lungs. Croup has an awful sound, but it is really just laryngitis for babies. They gave you an oral steroid and we got to go home.

Before Friday I never thought there was such a thing as a good trip to the E.R., but this was something like that. It didn't take long, everyone was amazing and it was good we went in. It wasn't a waste. I couldn't help but feel sorry for the couple that rushed in crying, or for the families on the floors that tower over Michigan Street. I felt almost guilty that we were able to leave, smiling, clutching the most important thing in our lives....

YOU

Energizer Bunny Arrested, Charged with Battery

I feel like I am the most hilarious person in the world with Bryson as my audience. All I have to do is whip up a round of Monkey See, Monkey Do and he can't get enough. Who knew I was such a talented comedian. I have struck out a few times. Itsy Bitsy Spider was a bust, I can't blame him, I'm not a fan of spiders either. He really likes when you spontaneously brake out into song, I don't mind if I do....

B-B is for the biggest boy ever
R-R is for the reason I'm alive
Y-Why? Because I love you so much
S-S because your so stinkin shy
O-O oh my gosh I love you so much
N-N your such a naughty little guy

Right now his world is like a Disney movie. I narrate what we are doing, sing ridiculous songs, everything is larger than life. If someone behaved with me the way I do with Big B, I would send them straight to a padded room. Good thing his means of communication are crazy squeals of delight and exaggerated sighs. Nobody knows that he is telling them his mother has lost her mind.

And Then There Were 5

Bryson will be turning 4 months old this weekend. It could not be more cliche to say that it goes by fast. It does, I feel like he just got here.

My heart feels so full when I close my eyes and picture my family. We were so happy the way things were. But as I sit here listening to the quiet fuzz of a monitor, I don't know how I ever lived without him.

In the beginning it was hard. To be honest, hard doesn't even begin to describe it. Your entire life is changed in a day. Your time, your feelings and your world is no longer your own. It is taken over by someone you barely even know. For two weeks I felt an overwhelming rush of emotions. I would cry each night as I took a shower and I had so much anxiety about getting enough sleep to survive. But the long days became easier and the time between nightly feedings began to stretch. And like the soft glow of a light in the darkness of night, the switch was flipped. He slept for 9 hours straight and the anxiety was gone.

I can barely remember those days now. When I think of my sweet little boy I see his smile and feel his personality. He loves life. He will often smile so big, with his mouth open wide as if any minute he will let out the biggest laugh you have ever heard. Even though silence is behind that smile, it still fills the room with joy. It is pure happiness, the way life should be.

He changes more and more each day. He has a hard time sitting still and is loud and talkative, a lot like his mom. I am thankful he has his father's laid back character. In those first couple of months, there was a spot in his bedroom that he would stare off into. There was nothing in his line of vision close enough for him to distinguish. He would be so content to watch the space between his changing table and the wall. I know that we were never standing there alone. I like to think that now when I can here him blabbing in the other room he is his talking to his great grandpas. He has so much to say and I know what great listeners they were.

I am grateful for the life, love and warmth in my home everyday. There is so much 'want,' in our lives that it is hard to appreciate our daily blessings. In this moment there is nothing more I could ask for.

A Letter from Mommy

To my baby boy,

I have been anticipating your arrival for the past 35 weeks. Every day I imagine who you will be and what you will become. I wonder if you will have your father's eyes and freckles, or look more like me. I hope you receive the best of both of our personalities; outgoing, free-spirited and faithful like me. Hardworking, calm and loyal like your dad.

Know that I will love you no matter what. I will always be here to support you in every way possible. For 8 months I have carried you, loved you and protected you. I will continue to do that for the rest of your life.

Be honest, see the good in all people and keep your eye on the prize. There is nothing more important than how you treat people.

with all of my love,
Always,
Mom <3

Building Something from Nothing

It is hard to believe we only have 10 more weeks before we meet our little Dyno-Meitz. It has been wonderful so far. It is still very difficult to imagine that there is a tiny person growing inside me. I like to believe he will be just like my husband. Jeffrey is an incredible human and even though God intends for two people to come together in order to share their genes, I would be really happy if the only genes he got were from my husband. I can't wait to meet him so I can encourage him, support him and love him the way Jeffrey has always done for me.

Jeffrey and I are both blessed with truly fantastic parents. A majority of individuals have the fear of turning into their parents, I have the fear that I won't be like the parents that I am lucky enough to have. I hope I can live up to their unmatchable standards.

It really feels like yesterday when we were all playing the game of Life (yes, we were literally playing the game of Life), when we spilled the beans (we did not however, play Spill The Beans). Things have been going by so fast! I think we are reaching that point where it is starting to slow down though and I really feel like these last couple of months are going to drag on and on.

We have almost finished Dyno's room. We started with a blank slate and now it is painted and the floors are in. We still have to put in a new window and the trim, and by we I mean Jeffrey. I'm so lucky to have such a handy-man husband.

I recently gave myself the gift of "The Busy Mom's Bible." I have been reading weekly lessons and versus (I love it and highly recommend it). The first verse I studied was Genesis 1:1, "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth." I was then asked to reflect and pray about what it means, "think of something you have been involved in creating," my book suggests, "How do you feel about it? So what do you think God feels about you?" It is a neat perspective especially during a time when Jeffrey and I are waiting for the new life we have created. We love our son unconditionally and we haven't even met! It is the same love our parents have showed us. It is also the same love that God feels each day, the love I'm sure he felt when we were brought together, the love we feel for each other, and the love our family and friends will soon show our son.

I spend a lot of my time as a dreamer. I have always had a faith and trust that things will just work out. I don't think that has always been the best approach, and luckily Jeffrey is very grounded, analytical and keeps me in reality. The process of bringing a life into this world is very much like a dream though and I am thankful that God has an inconceivable imagination.